day 154: circles
For years I have been thinking about what I want to do with my life, about what makes me happy and what makes me suffer and I’ve been following a path that wasn’t always easy, because I thought that it would at some point allow me to do exactly what I wanted. In fact, the last few years were among the hardest I can remember. I was full of fear of what was going to happen if I didn’t succeed in what I was doing, I became seriously ill probably as a result of all this anxierty and somehow along the way I have lost my home, many friends and was never really sure whether what I was doing was the right thing for me. Always sacrificing things for an almost impossible goal is something you can’t keep up forever.
These days when I was writing a PhD proposal I realised finally that it all makes sense somehow. All my different interests come together now in this and my path was the right one, although it might not have been easy. And after all I can do exactly what I want to do, right now, no matter whether I actually get the funding I applied for or not. If I think about it in the way I thought about it the past few years, and focus on the funding, it quickly becomes again one of those impossible situations, ripe with the potential for failure: They get too many applications for too few positions anywhere, where there is a scrap of funding available. If it all boiled down to “being good enough” you could just as well throw all your self-esteem out of the window yourself, since there just isn’t enough money going around for everyone who is good enough. It doesn’t necessarily reflect your abilities since it’s not all about being good enough. It also needs some luck. You can worry about your abilities all you like, but luck is something outside of your control, you either have it or you don’t. That’s how it is with any qualified job in a society where resources for real work are scarce and the focus is on an industries feeding useless consumerism. And if that’s the case then you might as well just stop worrying altogether.
Strange that it took me so long to realise that …
This is another picture in the category “almost black and white”.